I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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