my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
