Ketchup is God's man juice
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
