Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
