I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
