She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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