Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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