I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Pants are for mortals
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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