im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
