He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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