I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
