I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
