meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
