what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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