I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
ok first of all what the fuck
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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