I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
