why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
