You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
