Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
