There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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