i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can text with my tongue
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
