Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
