Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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