i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
