Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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