I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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