im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
