WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
