The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
