guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Randomize
