We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Are my feet made of real feet?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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