tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
