i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
