i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
