i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
