Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He better not be in your backpack
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
