So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize