I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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