I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
