the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
being pregnant is like rehab
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
