A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
