need another drink. this is the easiest way
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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