I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
