if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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