Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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