why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
