My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
