You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
