my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You took a bar mat shot.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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