if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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