What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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