Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
