would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
