my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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