I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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