I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
