I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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