Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
