Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
